Sunday, December 11, 2011

THE Christmas Card Letter

I have always been very uncomfortable with writing “THE letter” that accompanies the traditional Christmas card that goes out to dozens of family and friends. I call it “THE letter” because everyone knows what I am talking about. Just like when I bring up “THE Ohio State University” or “THE U” (sorry to all the sheltered Ute fans as this really stands for the University of Miami).

It becomes a battle of wills between the happily married couple: “YOU do it honey!” “No, no, surely it’s your turn!” We have never done it so who can say it’s anyone’s turn (and don’t call me Shirley). Why can’t we just write about our three beautiful children and throw in a few travel logs about what vacations we went on this year (Bond age 13; Marlyn age 11; Makenna age 8; Lake Powell in Page, AZ; Family Reunion in UT; and Bloomfield, NY). I am not going to use the word “we” throughout “THE letter” because WE are not writing it; I am writing the dang letter.

I am grateful to live in a country where I can exercise the freedom of religion. I call this a Christmas card because I am a Christian. However, it is very ironic that the Costco design and color schema we liked says “Happy Holidays.” So Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.

I am grateful for the freedom of speech, which allows me to write “THE letter” without having to be politically correct. Note that I left out Happy/Merry Kwanza because according to Emmanuel Lewis, kwanza is a paper money, cupronickel coin, and monetary unit of Angola and I, like Tim Tebow, “cannot serve God and mammon.” (Luke 16:13)

I am also thankful for our freedom to bear arms this year. I welcomed a gorgeous Glock 17 to the family after some idiot tried to break into our home while the girls were still getting ready for school.

I also welcomed a new dog into our laundry room and back yard because of the incident. Snicker is a labradoodle and her name derives from her two favorite pastimes: sniffing and licking (plus SnifferLicker wouldn’t fit on the dog tag). She might not be much of a guard dog, but if that idiot ever comes back to our house he will be sniffed and licked in places reserved only for the TSA.

I managed to prove Business Week’s theory that Deloitte is the best company from which to launch your career as I left after 10 wonderful busy seasons. Working at one of the firms should be measured in dog years; It seems like I aged 70 years and they definitely work you like a dog. After starting my new career at Southwest Gas Corporation (SWX), my youngest questioned why I would leave my iPhone at Deloitte to go and work at a gas station.

I hope you enjoyed “THE letter” as it might be the last one you receive since it is Whitney’s turn and besides her phobia of public restrooms and public speaking, she is also afraid of public writing. Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight.

- The Headlees (autocorrect on the iPad/iPhone would call us “THE Headless”)


  1. Awesome letter! You crack me up! ;-)

  2. Pretty much best letter I've seen.

  3. The Bangerter family read this allowed on a family temple trip. Thanks for the laughs, and Happy Kawanza!

  4. The Bangerter family read this allowed on a family temple trip. Thanks for the laughs, and Happy Kawanza!